In 2010, I started attending science fiction conventions regularly. I’d attended a few conventions here and there before then, but never with any regularity. This was when I really began embracing fandom. I was still a little shy and I was new. I didn’t really understand the fan culture yet regarding how women were often viewed in fandom by other fans.
I really adore Jack McDevitt and his Alex Benedict series. So, when I saw that he was visiting Readercon in 2010, I decided that was going to go because I had a first edition of The Devil’s Eye and wanted to get it signed. I had waited in line to chat with Jack and to get his signature. I was excited since his signature was one of the first signatures that I had ever collected. I got to the front of the line and Jack greeted me warmly. I told him how much I enjoyed the novel and his series, and he smiled happily and asked if I would like him to sign my book. Of course, I gave him an enthusiastic “Yes!”
While I was pulling out my book and flipping to the title page, the man standing behind me (his name was Sean) stepped forward and began chatting with Jack. I opened my book and smiled politely at Sean wondering why he was cutting in on my moment, and I handed my book to Jack. Sean kept talking and it took a moment for me to cut into the conversation to thank Jack for signing my book. I thought this was a subtle but polite cue for Sean to back off.
Jack responded again that he was happy to sign. Sean began talking again about how much he enjoyed Jack’s work and how he’d been looking forward to meeting Jack. When Jack finished with the signature, he handed me the book. I don’t think it’s polite to read signatures in the moment, especially when there is an inscription. Plus, there was a line and clearly Sean wanted his time (as well as mine!) so I closed my book, thanked Jack for his time, and I left so that others could have their turn.
When I turned away, leaving Sean there with Jack, I remember seeing an odd look cross Jack’s face…maybe surprise?…but then Sean grabbed his attention and I was off to the hallway to read my inscription. Once I was outside of the doors in the madness of people milling around between events, I opened my book and read Jack’s inscription:
Hi Erin,
It’s a pleasure to meet you + Sean.
Best always,
Jack McDevitt
7/9/10
Boston
Sean? I read it again. I realized that because Sean pushed forward into my space while I was with Jack McDevitt and because I was new and too polite to ask him to wait his turn, it gave Jack the impression that we were together. I had been waiting to talk with Jack, and I had come to the event to primarily to see him. In that moment, I was equal parts angry and embarrassed and deeply frustrated that this man Sean! had forced his way into an inscription on a first edition book that I had been saving to get signed.
It’s now 10+ years later. I have since gotten to know Jack as a person and have reviewed several of his books. I never told him about this moment because I didn’t want to upset or embarrass him for not realizing that Sean wasn’t with me. Nowadays, I’d easily be able to tell Sean to step back, but I can’t help being sad about the fact that a man, a fellow fan, thought so little of me that he didn’t respect the precious 2 minutes that it took for Jack to sign my book.
I was invisible. I was an obstacle that he pushed aside in order to have his more important conversation with Jack. I think about this now and I know that I am not the only person who has had something like this happen at a convention. Yes, it’s a small thing, but it is an example of how women have been treated in society for far too long, including convention society. The fact that it has taken me 10 years to publicly post about this also speaks to social issues of embarrassment and fear of condemnation by some members of our society.
I know that men are much more aware of women in science fiction now and that there is much more respect paid to women at conventions. These are good things, but we’re still working on making things better for marginalized people in our community and at our events. I hope that Sean, wherever he may be, has found some respect for other fans in science fiction over the last 10+ years. I hope that other people will read this post and think about that fact that when they are excited about something it is really, really easy to disrespect another person, pushing them aside without even a thought, especially if the person they pushed aside is polite and kind about it. In such situations, please remember that marginalized people include women as well as people of color, people with access issues, shy people, children, etc.
As we return to in person events, I encourage event organizers, event speakers, and event attendees to pay a little extra attention to how people are interacting with one another to ensure that those of us who are marginalized in a moment like this don’t get pushed aside by others who are much bolder, who have bigger egos, and who have forgotten how to take turns during the isolation that the pandemic caused.
Every year, when I clean out old books in order to make room for new books, I come across The Devil’s Eye by Jack McDevitt and I think of Sean and all of the other women and marginalized people who might have been pushed aside by him or people like him. I don’t think I will ever get rid of this book because it is a reminder to me of what it is like to be new to fandom and how easy it is to ruin convention experiences for others. This book, Jack McDevitt, Sean, and my response to the situation are why I now work so hard to make sure that people have good experiences at conventions, especially the new people, the shy people, the people with access needs, the people of color, and the women. We are one community and we all deserve respect.
~
P.S. The Devil’s Eye is a great book, and I highly recommend it. Who doesn’t love a good ol’ antiquarian slueth set in the far-far future?
The science fiction and fantasy fan community is a large and strong group of volunteers that spans the globe, pulling together conventions that celebrate the best of what speculative fiction, art, music, and science have to offer. Our largest convention is Worldcon, an annual convention that takes place in a different city around the world every year. Last year, it took place in Dublin, Ireland. This year it is taking place in Auckland, New Zealand.
It’s been two weeks since my sister passed away, and everyday is a bit of a struggle, some worse than others. Some of those days have also been beautiful and amazing. In the midst of the beauty and the pain, in the midst of the struggle to focus and find my drive to keep moving forward, have been these little moments when a single word heard within the string of lyrics in a song pairs up in random synchronicity with an image in my field of vision and a slippery emotion that bubbles up into my conscious mind. In that moment, she is there with me, completely present in my mind, and I realize that impossible state of knowing she is with me while knowing she is gone.
There is no single person in existence who shared the raw experiences of my young life, experiences that shaped and honed and groomed me into who I am today. She knew me on a level that can never be replaced or achieved again, and she was my first hero. She was the person I wanted to grow up to be like when I was small, and it wasn’t until we were grown that I learned she had always wanted to be like me. The truth is that we have ended up more like each other than either of us ever knew, and now it is only me who understands that singular truth because she is gone…and yet she remains, here with me in my mind and heart, hidden from view until moments collide, bringing her to the surface of my mind and reminding me that I am not alone.
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Erin Underwood Presents 